These Dreams
by Jbug
Summary: I was dreaming of course, Edward had been gone from my life for months, yet somewhere I could hear his voice pleading with me to wake up "I loved you then and I love you now, wake up Bella, see me" Set during N.M Have fun,its fluffy. Pls Review I'll reply
1. Chapter 1

**_This story takes place during New Moon. All recognizable characters remain the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. Please review, I'll reply. J bug_**

_And oh, my dreams,_

_It's never quite as it seems_

'_Cause you're a dream to me,_

_Dream to me._

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**THESE DREAMS**

Cold, I was so cold. The dark forest closed in around me as I ran, tall cedars spreading their fingers to block out the sun. Webs of moss hung from the sky, while the ferns spread and grew like an incoming emerald tide. It was green death nipping at my heels as I raced down an ever narrowing path. Sometimes I almost made it to the clearing at the end of the trail before creeping vines coiled themselves around my ankles and pulled me down into the musty earth. Most of the time though, the fern sea just engulfed me, pushing the air from my lungs as I screamed his name "Edward"

That was always when I woke up trembling and sobbing, alone in the dark. My own piercing cries waking me up.

Tonight had been no different, this nightmare exactly the same as all the others. I'd been engulfed into a sea of green and no one had been there to hear my calls.

As I opened my eyes however the dream changed. He was standing in the corner of my bedroom watching me. A tortured look in his topaz eyes, his marble jaw clenched as if in pain. Edward looked so real that for a moment I actually believed I was awake. I could see the dark circles under his wounded eyes and almost make out the blue of his t-shirt, as he gazed down at me.

I knew this was impossible, I knew he wasn't really here. He had left me months ago, left me as if he'd never existed. This was just a ghostly apparition my anguished mind was indulging in. Something to help me through another long night.

Reaching out my hand to the ghost of Edward I allowed myself to bask in the fantasy.

He hesitated for just a second then moved slowly towards me, never taking his eyes off my face. When his cold fingers found mine I closed my eyes, I was not going to allow myself to wake up from this.

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_**So this story started out as Bella's dream, a 'one shot' bit of fluff and it became (as all my stories do) something else entirely. The first five chapters are Bella's "**__**dream" The next five are Edward's POV of her dream. Finally Edward and Bella have a confrontation and you'll have to read and see how that turns out. Most of the characters from S.M's books make an appearance i.e Jacob, Charlie, Sam,Carlise and Alice. It's a sexy story with a-lot of angst. I hope you enjoy it. J bug**_


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

_Pinch me if I'm dreaming_

_I'm somewhere I've never been_

_When you lead me by my hand into the flame_.

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Reaching out my hand to the ghost of Edward I allowed myself to bask in the fantasy.

He hesitated for just a second then moved slowly towards me, never taking his eyes off my face. When his cold fingers found mine, I closed my eyes. I was not going to allow myself to wake up from this.

The bed dipped slightly as he joined me, a trembling gasp escaping between my lips as his strong arms encircled my shaking body.

I reached out to him, unable to get close enough, grabbing and clutching at his chest as he lay down beside me. I wanted to crawl right inside him so that I would never have to be alone again. Never have to face the black isolation of another day without Edward in my life.

As I struggled to get deeper into his chest Edward's ghost hand reached out and touched my face. I could feel his cold fingers tracing the lines of my cheek, before they moved down my jaw, and onto my exposed neck, pausing on my collarbone.

I must be loosing my mind, I thought helplessly because his hands felt far too real as they caressed me. I was going pay for this luxury tomorrow I realized, but not tonight, tonight Edward was here with me and I was going to enjoy every part of him.

I knew why he was here of course; I hadn't been sleeping well in the week since Jacob had been gone and the nightmares had returned.

Ever since we had gone to that silly zombie movie and he had gotten sick, my brain had switched back into crazy, depressed Bella mode. Every painful memory that I thought I'd repressed had come back tenfold. The pain radiating through the hole in my chest once more, the emptiness consuming me. It was unbearable.

I assumed some part of my cracked brain must have called forth Edward to take away the demons of the night. He was here to help me sleep, that was all because I couldn't sleep without him.

It was just the same as that night in Port Angeles or the day I had crashed on my motorcycle. He was only here to assist me, he wasn't real.

In my dream Edward's hands continued to stroke me, soothing away all my fears.

One of his hands, rubbing circles into my back while the other continued its journey from cheek to breastbone. I felt myself actually relaxing for the first time in months, as I allowed my mind to drift and wander in the comfort of his arms, melding into the shape of him, tracing an outline of his body with my own.

As I finally stopped shaking Edward gently brushed a lock of brown hair from my forehead and pulled slowly away from me. Immediately I panicked, lunging at him again, my eyes popping open with dread. _Not yet_, I pleaded silently.

A sad smile crossed his face but he stopped moving . He was now just far enough away that I could see his face perfectly. I could only assume that he was studying mine as well.

Edward looked terrible, well as terrible as someone so amazingly beautiful could look. His face wore a tortured expression, as if he were in physical pain somehow. I couldn't begin to imagine what that pain might be. Why would my dream Edward look like he was hurting?

I was probably just imagining it, wishing that he missed me half as much as I missed him. That it had hurt him just a little bit to leave me.

There were bruise like shadows beneath the sable of his eyes and I realized that he was thirsty. Why hadn't he been hunting, I wondered?

As we continued to stare at each other I put all those thoughts out of my mind and just absorbed his presence.

Without warning His face moved closer to mine, so close that I could actually smell the sweet perfume of his breath as he kissed my forehead.

"Bella" he said his voice hoarse and ragged like he'd been screaming as well.

"Everything's going to be okay."

The texture of his voice was amazing, all my other fantasies paled in comparison. The very way he said my name pulled at the pit of my stomach and hurt my very soul. Reminding me that tomorrow I would wake up and never get to hear him say my name again.

I closed my eyes so he wouldn't see the tears pooling up inside them and turned away as I murmured "I couldn't find you."

"I'm right here, I've got you" he whispered into my hair as he pulled me into his chest again.

"I tried to stay away, but it was only a matter of time." The pain that radiated through his voice was undeniable.

"Edward stop talking" I muttered into his ear "you'll just wake me up." Then my lips began a desperate search for his. If only to make sure didn't speak another word.

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	3. Chapter 3

rickynicky, Thanks I took your advice**.**

**CHAPTER THREE**

_Am I still tough enough, feels like I'm wearing down_

_Is my viciousness loosing ground?_

_Am I taking too much, Did I cross a line?_

_I need my role in this very clearly defined._

_I need your discipline, I need your help_

_You know once I start I cannot help myself_

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This was turning out to be the best dream I'd ever had possibly some kind of heavenly retribution for the months of nightmares. I didn't really care what it was as long as I didn't wake up anytime soon.

Edward must have known the direction my mind had taken because he was lying impossibly still and hadn't spoken another word.

Pressing my body against his hard hip and twisting my head to the right I nuzzled into his neck. As I made contact with the cold of his skin I realized that I would need to savour each moment for as long as possible.

So I started slowly, nibbling first on Edwards's earlobe. He immediately let out a small hiss and I watched as he closed his eyes but he didn't try to stop me.

The hard flesh of his ear felt like an ice cube between my teeth as I sucked it in, relishing the taste. I began to move down his neck, leaving a trail of fluttering kisses in my wake.

My mouth barely touching the cool of his skin as I kissed a line down and then across to his chiselled jaw, pausing at his waiting lips.

Edward hadn't moved since I'd begun my assault but at some point he had stopped breathing. My own breath was becoming increasingly frantic with each delicious taste of him.

As my trembling lips grazed his open mouth Edwards eyes snapped open.

He let out a groan of frustration, and then gently rolled me onto my back, hovering over me.

"You overestimate my self control Bella" he grumbled, leaning on one elbow as he stroked his thumb along my bottom lip.

I assumed that this was to be the end of my fantasy. Edward pulling back, setting limits as he always did. Besides we'd never gone much further than this and I didn't have any references to call upon.

"Don't leave me here alone" I cried, unable to think of any other reasonable response.

"Bella I won't leave you" he said sounding frustrated.

"Why are you here now?" I asked. It was getting hard to breathe again and I could feel the hole opening up in my chest but I needed to know, and maybe my apparition of Edward could tell me. "You didn't want me"

"Oh Bella, I wanted you more than I wanted to breathe" he said raising his head to look at me. There was such love in his eyes that his dazzling gaze stole my mind, cementing my soul to his again while his hands stroked my aching body.

"I wanted you so much it felt like something had broken inside of me. I wanted to scream with the pain of loosing you but I couldn't have you. As much as I wanted you I had to let you go."

I wanted to ask why but the look on his face was unbearable the depths of his pain mirroring my own exactly. Then without taking his eyes off mine he began to bend his face towards me, his dark eyes were intense and the perfume of his breath was making my mouth water with anticipation. A shudder went through me as his sweet marble lips touched mine.

Edwards's lips were hard and cold, delicious, just as I'd remembered them. He kissed me evocatively, a hint of desperation detectible within the press of his mouth. His arms encircled me, pulling me ever closer to his stone chest as his fingers twisted themselves into my hair, gently forcing my face deeper into his own. I sagged against him revelling in his touch, the feeling of his cool lips, rigid but still tender moving against mine. This wasn't really happening some part of my tortured mind called out; I must have finally lost my mind. Yet he felt so real.

With each passing second the kiss grew deeper, my head began to spin and I couldn't seem to get enough air. I couldn't get enough of the taste, I just couldn't get enough...

As if sensing my need for oxygen Edwards's lips moved away from mine and onto the line of my jaw, kissing me, teasing the hot flesh between his lips again and again.

He was all over me. There was only him, only this time and this burning thing that existed between us right now. I preyed for death, feeling him stroke my skin, burning under the skill of his tongue. I never wanted to wake up again.

Somehow my tank top had bunched itself up under my chin. Edwards's shirt had made its way onto the floor although I had no memory of him removing it. As I ran my hand over his stone chest I couldn't help but notice the white of his skin made my own pale skin look tan in comparison. I could feel his icy fingers caressing my shoulder the base of my spine, my waist, leaving goose bump lines behind, yet I still felt like I was on fire.

"Please" I cried into the darkness.

My hands moved between us with a mind of their own, struggling with the clasp on Edwards jeans. Suddenly he froze, cold fingers clasped mine, immobilizing them as he pulled my hands over my head and pushed himself off of me. I should be grateful that he's allowed things to go this far I realized with regret.

I couldn't open my eyes, I couldn't look at him but I could imagine the displeasure on his face. Any second now I could wake up, I'd open my eyes and he would be gone.

Instead I filled my lungs with the sweet scent that came off his skin, breathing him in, committing him to memory.

"Bella we can't do this" he sighed lowering himself back down beside me.

"Of course we can" I said "it's only a dream, we can do anything I want."

He didn't answer me right away.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he finally asked.

These were the words I had always longed to hear him say and now I was certain, confirmation at last. I was dreaming.

"Yes"

I opened my eyes just a crack, enough to see the grimace on his stone face, the hungry, yearning in his black eyes and then I watched as his lips found their way back to me. Realizing then that he wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted him to.

"Bella, your killing me" he murmured into my open mouth as his tongue traced the shape of my lips "I can't be sure if I can control myself much longer.

"Don't stop" I breathed into him.

Cold as ice, his tongue darted into my mouth, connecting with my own as they danced together, the taste of him making me dizzy with desire.

Edwards's lips ultimately found their way onto my neck, and he began playing with the pulse point of my throat, as if to torture himself further.

His hands took hold of my face, cradling my cheeks in a vicelike grip; he tenderly turned my head to the side.

"I'm sorry" he hissed.

Pressing his lips into the skin just below my ear. I felt his tongue lick my neck and then the hardness of his teeth as he positioned himself over my vein.

Then he bit down on my neck.

I knew I should have been afraid, but this was such a good way to die in a dream.

I cried out as he took the first long pull from me, my body arching into his arms, then I grew calm as he continued to drink.

This was much better than being swallowed into a sea of ferns. To die here in Edwards arms was far superior to any dream I'd ever had. I preyed that I'd never wake up.

I could feel him drawing the blood out of my body, surprisingly there was no pain but I was becoming very tired, strange to be so tired in a dream.

I was drifting, falling, and floating, through a sea of red. It was warm and impossibly cold at the same time. It was heaven.

Somewhere I could hear Edwards voice pleading with me to wake up.

"Wake up Bella, wake up, see me" his voice sounded scared, panicked, I wondered what could possibly be the matter?

"Oh god I'm sorry, please... wake up" he begged.

But I wasn't going to, I couldn't,… wouldn't open my eyes.

I knew if I did he would disappear. The dream would end, I would wake up and Edward would be gone again, the pain and emptiness would return with a vengeance. And I would do almost anything not to feel that again.

"Open your eyes" his voice was fading, moving away and growing quieter as it always did before he left me.

"I love you now and I loved you then" I heard him whisper.

"My God, what have I done?"

_Goodbye Edward I love you_. I said silently as I drifted away on a warm red tide.

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**_Coming next, well... next, next. Edwards POV of Bellas dream. Hmmm._**

**_Thanks for reading, Jbug_**

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	4. Chapter 4

****

_Thanks for reading and reviewing. The song lyrics I've been using for the last couple of chapters are from Dicipline by Nine Inch Nails._

CHAPTER FOUR

_And now it's starting up_

_Feels like I'm loosing touch_

_Nothing matters to me, nothing matters as much_

_I see you left a mark up and down my skin_

_I don't know where I end and you begin_

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Somewhere off in the distance a phone was ringing and I could hear Charlie moving around downstairs. For a change though I hadn't woken up screaming. I had just gradually come back into my surroundings, almost like a normal person.

As I lay there trying to get my hazy mind to focus, I noticed that my body felt unusually heavy, like I hadn't moved in years. My mouth was dry and pasty and everything seemed to be jumbled. Strangely though I felt well rested.

For the first time in months I'd actually had a good nights sleep. Almost as good as when Edward had been here holding me in his stone arms. Opening my eyes I squinted as the rare Washington sunshine streamed through my bedroom window. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion today and far too bright.

Stretching my stiff arms above my head I yawned and tried to clear the fog from my brain.

I knew today was important somehow but I couldn't remember why. Was I supposed to be at work? …School? I couldn't even seem to figure out what day it was.

As I stared at the ceiling trying to work it out, bits and pieces of last nights dream came hauntingly back to me. I knew I'd had the usual nightmare, running through the sea of ferns. But there was something else too, something I couldn't quite grab a hold of, couldn't quite recall. I remembered being very cold but I always felt too cold these days. It was as if Jacob had taken the heat away with him.

Jacob…. that was it; today was Saturday the day Jacobs's week long exile ended. The day I was allowed to talk to him again. I had decided that even if I couldn't reach him on the phone, even if the lines were still down as Billy had claimed I was going to talk to Jake today. I would simply drive down to La Push and force Billy into letting me see him. It was to be my last lonely day. One way or another I would see my best friend.

I hadn't realized how much I'd been depending on Jake to keep me sane until he'd disappeared from my life. I'd thought that I would be okay on my own now. Assuming that I was past the worst of the pain but I was wrong, because he had been the one that had taken the hurt away these past few months and I was useless without him.

Not even being able to talk to him on the phone had been horrible and each day it grew worse. The hole in my chest and the nightmares returning with a vengeance.

I just couldn't seem to be able to forget the look on his face the night he had dropped me off after the movie or the sound of his voice cracking in pain as he said my name during our one hurried phone call. Something was definitely wrong in La Push; I could feel it in my bones. Billy had tried to reassure me everything was fine but he's also warned me to stay away.

Inhaling deeply I pulled my blanket closer into my frozen body. This couldn't be happening to me again, how could he just shut me out like that?

Just then Charlie yelled up the stairs "Bella aren't you up yet? It's almost noon"

Noon, how was that even possible? I had been asleep for almost 15 hours and I didn't sleep anymore.

Sitting up I swung my feet onto the floor. The sudden movement caused my head to spin. I must have twisted my neck while I was sleeping because it was really aching today, I thought as I rubbed it absently. Pushing myself up and away from the bed I had a sudden flash of Edward standing right there in the corner of my bedroom, staring at me. And then with a rush I remembered.

I had dreamt of Edward, he had been right here last night in my dream. With a gasp I rolled back onto the bed and curled myself into the fetal position. Clasping my arms around my knees, I waited for the waves of pain to take me as they always did after I thought of him or let myself remember his beautiful face.

As I lay there cowering, I realized I'd allowed myself to think his name earlier without any noticeable repercussions. I waited but the pain never came.

Flashes of the dream were slowly coming back to me. I knew that we had spoken, although I couldn't remember about what. I seemed to recollect that he was angry with me, his eyes had been dark and he had stopped me from doing something. I recalled him holding me and whispering, and I graciously remembered that we had kissed.

Brushing my lips with my fingers, for a moment I could almost taste him again.

I knew there was more to remember but I didn't want to push it by trying too hard.

That would only cause me unnecessary pain. I had been so lonely this past week, the horrible feelings descending over me once again and I had simply let my guard down, allowing Edward to enter my subconscious. I had to get a hold of Jacob, before I completely lost it.

Uncurling myself I made my way, gingerly into the hallway feeling even clumsier than usual. My legs were numb and my head was spinning. I hit the door frame with my shoulder on the way into the bathroom and had to grab the sink for support as I brushed my teeth. My flu had must have returned I thought miserably as I rubbed my throbbing neck. The bathroom light hurt my eyes as I squinted at my reflection in the small mirror above the sink. It was then I saw that I saw the marks on my neck.

Two inflamed puncture wounds just below my right ear, purple bruises on my cheeks and jaw where I had been held by strong hands.

Instantly my vision blurred and a roaring sound entered my ears as last nights dream came back to me in its entirety. Edward was back, it was all real. My knees gave out as I slumped onto the hard tile floor.

He had been here with me last night I realized. We had almost made love, he had…had fed from me.

How was that possible I thought as I clutched the base of the porcelain sink shaking my head? Why was I still alive? How was I still human? Why wasn't I writhing in pain as I went through the change? None of this made any sense.

I could hear Charlie making his way up the stairs; his steps were heavy and rushed.

Oh my god, how was I going to explain this huge bite mark on my neck to Charlie or worse yet to Jacob?

Pulling myself off the floor I ran into the bedroom and grabbed a thick turtle neck sweater. I was just pulling it down over my ribs when he entered the bedroom, rolling the collar down off my mouth and pulling out my hair.

Charlie looked embarrassed at having caught me getting dressed and hesitated by the door staring at the fibres of the carpet until I turned around.

"I'm heading down to La Push to go fishing with Harry if you'd like to ride with me" he said clearing his throat "I just thought you might be seeing Jake today."

"I'm not sure Dad" I said sitting on my bed "I've got to give him a call."

The tone of my voice must have caught his attention because when he looked at me his moustache was twitching nervously and a worried look had crossed over his face.

"Are you feeling okay? " He asked coming closer "you look pale, and why on earth are you wearing that huge sweater? It must be seventy degrees out today."

"I don't know," I mumbled "I was cold."

Sitting down beside me on the bed Charlie sighed "do you want me to stay here with you today, I could cancel with Harry."

"No Dad that's okay I'll call Jessica if Jakes busy" I lied "besides you wouldn't want to waste a sunny day not fishing" I added, trying to smile.

"Alright then" Charlie said sounding relieved "Do you want me to make you a sandwich before I go?"

"No, I'm fine. Have a good time."

I listened to him clattering around in the kitchen for a while, making his sandwiches and still hadn't moved when he called out that he was leaving, shutting the front door hard behind him. I got up and looked out the window as he pulled out of the driveway and gave a small wave. This was going to be really hard on him I realized.

As I watched the taillights of Charlie's cruiser disappear down the street I heard another vehicle approaching fast from the opposite direction. I didn't even turn my head to look as it stopped in front of my house, I didn't have to look, the sound of the Volvos engine was embedded in my brain. I just closed my eyes and smiled.

I could picture him perfectly, leaning up against the silver exterior. Looking like some kind of male model as he gazed up to me through the panes of my bedroom window. He was back,what he saw in me I would never know.

I opened my eyes and Edward grinned, his red eyes staring back at me.

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**Let me know how you like it. I'm going to be writing Edwards POV now, hopefully answer this will answer all the questions that I'm sure you have.**

**J bug**


	5. Chapter 5

**_Well here it is Edward's POV of Bella's dream. Also we get some insight into what E was doing while he was away. Thanks for all the great reviews_****_. J bug_**

_And I'd give up forever just to touch you_

_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_

_You are the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now._

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**CHAPTER FIVE**

Stepping carefully over the open window sill, I entered Bella's bedroom.

I only meant to check on her, one quick look I had told myself and then I would leave, but I had been paralyzed the second my feet hit the floor. The excruciatingly lovely smell of her hitting me like a wrecking ball.

She was curled onto her side, arms crossed about her chest as if she were hugging herself. I was taken aback by how thin she had become, her narrow shoulders lost within the confines of her shirt. There were dark bruises under her eyes and her skin was so pale it was almost translucent. She actually resembled one of us now. Her lips were separated as she breathed deeply and I felt myself drawn to them like never before. The desire to kiss her was so intense that my legs had become weak. Instead I tried to focus on her hair; it was spread about her beautiful face like a chestnut halo. She was even more exquisite then my memories had allowed me, and I felt genuine pain in mychestas I listened to her breathe.

A familiar burning entered my throat, forcing me to move away from her bed, but I couldn't bring myself to leave, instead I hovered in the shadows and focused on her breathing, matching each push of her lungs with my own, listening to her beating heart and hating myself.

I had tried very hard to stay away but really it had only been a matter of time until I came back begging for her forgiveness. I had fought a useless battle with myself each and every moment since I had left her. I knew now that without her my life was over, without her I ceased to exist. My own lies ringing ironically true.

Of course I'd gone through the motions of 'living' over the past few months, trying to keep myself distracted by following Victoria but as it turned out I wasn't very good at tracking, always remaining one step behind her, just missing her wherever I went.

It was beyond frustrating. The one thing I wasn't good at was the only thing I needed to do, the most important thing of all to make sure that Bella would remain safe and I would remain distracted.

I 'd followed a trail across the United States and finally ended up in South America before Alice had called me home. When the trail was cold as it was most of the time I had lived on dreams of Bella. While sitting in darkened hotel rooms aching fantasies, filling my tortured mind. Each day her sweet haunting voice had echoed in my ears, when I closed my eyes her face was all that I saw. Who was I kidding? I saw her face even when my eyes were open.

I was simply unable to distract myself enough to stay away. I had been unable to forget, unable to carry on. Each day instead of getting easier my desperation for her had just grown, blocking out everything else. Yes I was weak and selfish but I loved her and that had to count for something. I just simply couldn't endure another endless day of the emptiness, and pain. Counting the seconds until the end of time. How could I live forever without her when I couldn't even manage a few months? What would be the point of anything without her in my life?

I was in Hell. Unable to be without her and impossible for me to live in her world with her.

It was as if we were joined by an invisible string and the further away I got the harder the string that joined us pulled me back…Agony.

Alice knew it too. She had known how close I was to my breaking point. At the time of her e-mail I had been looking for any excuse to come home. I was beaten, lonely, and half crazed. Her ridiculous pretence of an anniversary party for Carlisle and Esme had been perfect. We both knew I wouldn't disappoint my parents and had to attend.

Alice was good, I'd give her that. She had booked the flight home and I really shouldn't have been surprised that it terminated at the SeaTac airport just outside of Seattle. I found myself in a rental car with a three hour drive ahead of me into Vancouver where Alice and Jasper were hosting the party. Of course being in Seattle put me only about an hour and a half away from forks and with that realization the string had pulled me tight, I tried…

When I turned left towards Tacoma instead of heading towards Everett I knew the game was over. I had nonetheless tried to turn around in Port Angeles but by then I was so close.

Even as I drove into the city limits I hadn't planned on seeing Bella I still had an ounce of strength remaining. I was just going to cruise around the grey, foggy town and further torture myself by driving past the High school, Newton's, and the police station. Bella's house still being off limits at that point. I promised myself I would not go and see her. I had to keep her safe; it had to be a clean break.

I spent hours prowling the streets of Forks hoping to catch a glimpse of her and praying I didn't. Eventually I found myself driving to the dirt road that led to our meadow. I suppose I just wanted to complete the painful trip down memory lane the best I knew how, with one final twist of the blade. Maybe I enjoyed the pain, masochist that I was, I certainly deserved it.

Parking the rental I set off running onto the darkening woods. The string pulling tightly at my chest as the green of the forest flew past my pumping legs, ferns and maples blending together into a giant emerald collage. As I streaked through the trees I could almost feel Bella trembling against my back, remembering the last time I had been here.

I slowed as I approached the clearing, pausing before I stepped through a low arch of trees. It was the same place although very different in the fading light. The ground covered in tall swaying grass. It was still lovely but now… empty.

There was nothing here and the disappointment brought me to my knees. I lowered my head and embraced the pain.

I remained kneeling in the shadows until all the light was gone from the day and it was in the darkness that I smelled him. He was to the east near the stream and moving fast. My nostrils began to twitch involuntarily as I waited and when he entered the clearing everything changed. I couldn't get back to Bella fast enough. I had to see her face with my own eyes, to make sure she was safe.

The taunt string dragging me to her.

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As I lurked in the shadows of Bella's bedroom I realized that at some point I'd stopped breathing, becoming a statue in my stillness as I stared at her face. Memorizing each detail, etching each pore of it into my brain, so that it could be enough to last me forever.

Turning her head Bella began to stir. As I watched her body began to tremble, her hands clenching and releasing as she moved. As her eyelids started to flutter I realized that she was dreaming and I again wished that I had access to her thoughts, longing to see into her dreams, into her hidden world.

Within minutes her movements became increasingly frantic, as she left her dream and entered a nightmare. I could only assume who the star of that attraction would be.

Arching her back Bella's agonized plea of "no" cut through my body like a knife. I moved an inch closer hoping that somehow my presence would be enough to comfort her, while she clutched at the blankets and cried, tears streaking down her white face.

Oh how I wished I could take it away, I wished I could take it all away, every single memory she had of me, of my entire family.

With one last moan Bella abruptly sat up. Shocked I stumbled backwards, my spine hitting the wall behind me as a piercing cry escaped her lips.

I cringed as she screamed my name.

The agony of her cry bounced off the walls and vibrated within my eardrums, hurting my head with its intensity. My god what had I done to her?

As the scream died on Bella's lips she opened her eyes and looked directly at me. However it appeared as if she were looking right through me, as if her brain couldn't quite make the connection with what her eyes were seeing.

Her face seemed calm now despite the horrors of her nightmare. Absurdly I thought that she might still be asleep. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and couldn't escape.

Without taking her eyes from my face Bella pulled her hand out from beneath the blankets and stretched it towards me.

I hesitated for just a second then without even thinking my legs began moving towards her seemingly having a mind of their own. She never took her eyes off my face but didn't speak a word either as if to do so would break the my knees touched the bed I reached my hand towards her extended palm, shuddering as her warm fingers closed over my own, Bella took one last look at my face and closed her eyes.

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**Thanks for reading, let me know how you enjoyed E's prespective. Coming next : Who was in the meadow? J bug**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Authors Note: Sometimes my writing takes on a life of its own, going places I never intended it to. That's what happened with this chapter. I took Edward into some darker places, which I hope you enjoy.**_

_**Thanks for reading, J bug**_

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_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo_

_What the hell am I doing here? _

_I don't belong here _

**CHAPTER SIX**

I had only come to check on Bella and now look at me; I was in bed with her. So much for willpower I thought wretchedly. I was a disgrace.

But what was I supposed to have done? As soon as she opened her eyes and looked at me with that beautiful dazed and sleepy look on her face I was gone, my body moving towards her with a will of its own. When I came into contact with her outstretched hand I'd almost collapsed with gratitude. To touch her again was a dream come true.

I tried to move as gently as possible, easing myself onto her bed because I wasn't really sure if she was truly awake or not. As my shoulders hit the mattress I heard her inhale and then quite unexpectedly she lunged at me, attaching herself so tightly to my body it was as if she was trying to crawl inside me.

I almost lost it right then, it was hard enough being this close to the sweet smell of her, the burning in my throat distracting me to the point of madness but to then have her attacking me was exciting in the worst way.

She was wrapped so tightly around my body that I had little chance of escape and I'd been forced to make myself another deal. I would just hold her until she closed her eyes again, until she calmed from the terrors of her nightmare. Maybe I would be able hold her in my arms until dawn and then slip away unnoticed. She would always think that I'd just been a part of her dream.

Lying very still I brought my hand up to her face, and began tracing the soft lines of her cheek and jaw. Finding myself unable to inhale as she tilted her head to the side, and exposed her vulnerable pulsing neck. She relaxed immediately however, loosening her grip on me marginally as I continued to touch her. My hand moving down onto her exposed neck and further, to her now protruding collarbones.

As my breathing returned to a normal pattern I tried to match it with hers.

Inhale, exhale, relax, I told myself as I rememorized her face, pretending this moment could last, pretending I didn't want to kill her.

Lying nestled against my chest Bella stretched her legs out alongside mine this way our bodies made contact at all points, so unbearably close.

I couldn't stop touching her, caressing the warmth of her body, admiring her. I had missed everything about her. Rubbing large circles into the small of her back I allowed myself to inhale, pulling Bella's intoxicating scent deep into my lungs. Saliva surged into my parched mouth and I swallowed it quickly.

Her scent…the scent of her was like no other, it was like a drug being shot directly into my veins. How could I have forgotten this agonizing pleasure? My throat was burning and my senses overloaded as my lust for blood increased. What was I doing?

When was the last time I'd fed? I honestly couldn't remember but it had been a long time ago, too long.

If I'd had any idea that this was how my day was going to play out I definitely would have gone hunting before coming here. I was starving and this was madness, this was tempting fate tenfold. Holding myself impossibly still I tried to quiet the roaring in my ears. Distracting myself by thinking about what I'd seen tonight in the meadow.

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As I knelt in the darkness he had moved in fast from the east, entering the meadow silently through the dark of the trees. Examing the area before he paused in the center of the clearing and waited. He was huge, thick and muscular with coal black hair. There was no mistaking what he was.

The vampire's one true enemy and we were only about thirty feet apart. So close I could taste the wolf on my tongue.

I remained crouched where I was in the bushes but my body instinctively took on an aggressive posture, fingers curling, nostrils flaring, my vision sharpening, readying for battle.

Without warning two more wolves approached, flanking the giant black one. One ash grey the other brown and neither as large as the black who was obviously the leader.

Two more followed, making up the pack. One of these was as large as the alpha, his course hair a reddish brown in color. They lined up in a V and waited, sniffing the cool night air, as if following directions.

In the back of the pack the wolf closest to me turned his huge head and looked in my general direction. I knew he couldn't see me but they had to be able to smell me. I was nearly chocking myself on their foul stench. His eyes were dark, nearly black, his hair long and russet colored. Curling his lip back he revealed massive incisors as a harsh growl escaped his muzzle.

I realized that if they didn't recognize my scent as a Cullen then I was in real trouble, they would attack for sure and kill me. Thinking I was a trespasser and not a part of the old treaty. There was no way I could take on a pack this size by myself, and although I hadn't broken the treaty by coming here, we were technically still on Cullen turf; it dawned on me that it just might not matter to them anymore.

As Russet continued to stare and growl. The black alpha gave a low throaty snarl causing Russet's head to spin, turning his attention immediately back to the pack, but not before I'd read his thoughts, not before I'd learned exactly what Jacob had become.

Then as fast as they had appeared they took off, still following in the V formation. Looking like they were on a training exercise, but there was trouble in the ranks as they snarled and snapped at each other. Seemingly frustrated because they'd wanted a fight but hadn't been permitted one.

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The drive back from the meadow was agony. Everything had changed so abruptly and now I couldn't get back to Bella fast enough. Jacob was a werewolf and according to Alice they were spending a lot of time together.

Alice had started mentioning these visions to me a couple of months ago I had thought she was just trying to make me jealous but I now realized that she might also have been worried.

In her visions Alice saw Bella and Jacob growing closer, a relationship developing between them. That news had almost killed me. Even though it was to be expected I just hadn't thought it would happen quite so soon or that it would cause me so much pain.

It was what I wanted for her after all, for her to find someone else to love, to live out her life with.

When I pictured her laughing or holding someone else's warm hands I had conjured up Victoria's image in my mind to replace it and when I pictured her kissing Jacob well…

I had blocked that out and thought about the different ways I could kill Victoria.

Alice had written in one of her last e-mails that her visions of Bella were becoming increasingly strange especially when she was with Jacob. She would see them and then suddenly they would both just disappear. Alice couldn't understand it and even though I had tried to ignore it, it was the real reason I had let myself be drawn back to forks.

Now at least that question had been answered. Bella kept disappearing because she was with Jacob and Alice couldn't see werewolves.

This rental car is useless I thought as I tried unsuccessfully to get it past fifty. I was tempted to park it right here on the side of the road and run the rest of the way back to Bella's.

What if he was outside her house right now? I thought or what if he was inside her house? What if she was with him in La Push? I couldn't very well go there and check on her, could I?

As my mind continued to spin all kinds of horrible scenarios. I prayed I wasn't too late.

Trust Bella to find another monster in this tiny, insignificant town to hang out with.

He was still a young werewolf too, not yet in control of his temper. What if he injured her? I couldn't help but picture her beautiful face scared and torn as I recalled the size of Russet wolfs knife like incisors. I put my foot on the gas, the rental groaning in protest.

Parking at the end of her street and threw the car door open hitting the ground in a crouch my fingers clenching as I smelled the surrounding night air, searching for his scent. I smelled nothing just the rain and the damp earth. Jacob Black was not here and hadn't been in some time either. Relaxing slightly I jogged up the sidewalk to her house, my feet silent on the wet pavement. Then I did a quick run around the perimeter of the house just in case before pausing at Bella's red truck. Jacob hadn't been here about a week I decided from the lingering scent but the truck had definitely been in La Push.

Gazing up into the darkened panes of her bedroom window I made a silent plea and moved towards the side of the house.

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Even after everything I had still hoped to have enough strength to just check on her well being and disappear back into the night. I told myself just one look, just make sure she hasn't been injured or harmed in any way and go-- But now looking at her cradled in my arms I knew that I would never be able to leave her side again. If she would take me back, if she would have me in her life again I vowed I would do anything she wanted.

As she finally stopped shaking I pushed a lock of brown hair off her forehead and slowly pulled away so I could talk to her face to face, plead with her to take me back.

Bella's eyes sprang open the second I moved, a look of absolute panic spreading across her features as she grabbed for me again. I tried to smile, to reassure her I wasn't going anywhere. She just stared at me and I fell into her chocolate eyes. She was so beautiful, so perfect how could I ever have thought of leaving her for someone else to have?

Bending my head towards her I touched my lips to her forehead and tried to speak.

"Bella" I began, what was wrong with my voice, it sounded terrible "Everything's going to be okay now."

She turned her head away as I spoke and I saw the tears welling up inside them, this wasn't going to be easy.

Then she mumbled "I couldn't find you."

What was she talking about? She couldn't find me where? When?

"I'm right here. I've got you" I whispered into her hair pulling her back into my chest.

"I tried to stay away, but it as only a matter of time" my voice actually broke with this admission. If she only knew how hard it had been for me to leave, how impossible it had been to stay away. I had fought every instinct.

"Edward" she hummed into my ear "stop talking you'll only wake me up" then her lips began to move desperately towards mine.

I absorbed her words into my skin and recklessly returned the kiss. Even if she thought she was dreaming I recognized that we could still have this time, we could have it all, we could finally be together. I would no longer deny her anything she wanted, I couldn't.

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**_AuthorsNote: Poor Edward. as always he is so over dramatic. Let me know what you think. Was it who you thought it was in the meadow? _****_J bug_**


	7. Chapter 7

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_And all I can breathe is your life_

'_Cause sooner or later it's over_

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

The taste of her… It was like touching heaven, each stroke of her lips to mine a piece of paradise. So soft, so warm, so inviting. Yet a part of me panicked under her touch for as much as I wanted to return her kiss with reckless abandon, I reminded myself that she was also fragile, as breakable as glass beneath my hands. One wrong move, one lapse in my judgement and she would shatter.

Bella's quick kiss had shut me up, disabling me from speaking another word, shutting off all my apologies and explanations. This may just have been her plan all along I realized now. She was telling herself that she was still asleep, unable to grasp that I would really have returned to her except in a dream and this broke my heart in a thousand different ways. I was a monster, and so unworthy of her yet unable to stop myself from responding, taking full advantage of the situation.

Once again I tried to break our kiss, desperate to explain but as soon as my lips left hers Bella twisted her head and pressed her warm body against my hip, her chest now lying partially atop mine as she nuzzled into my neck, once more immobilizing my ability for speech.

She seemed to want me as much as I wanted her although I was sure her idea of wanting did not include tasting my blood. My vision went black as I again thought of how good she tasted.

I was so agonizingly hungry that I was in hell. Wanting to kiss her, yearning to bite her and trying not to break her in the process. Yet I was unable to stop myself from touching her and she wasn't helping matters either, I noticed as her body writhed against mine and she nuzzled into my neck. No one should have to suffer like this I pleaded. Then it dawned on me, maybe a love this great was worthy of true sacrifice. Whoever said it was going to be easy to love Bella, the odds had been against us since the beginning.

Relax, I told myself, just be there for her let her take what she wants; let her have this time with you.

So I stopped fighting, stopped moving and stopped breathing beneath her body. Closing my eyes I …Oh lord that felt good I thought. Unable to stop the hiss that escaped my open mouth as she took my earlobe between her teeth and… Oh this was going to be such a test. I could hear her breath increasing, her heart rate speeding up. The thought of her blood cursing through her veins was a much of a turn on to me as the sensation of her teeth nibbling on my lobe.

A roaring filled my ears as she began to move down my neck kissing a line of fire towards my jaw, my waiting mouth.

As her lips covered my own I breathed in, stealing her breath in one luxurious pull and almost losing my mind. Unwittingly I groaned, my eyes snapping open as I rolled her off of me and onto her back. Leaning on one elbow I hovered over her trying to cool the fire building between us. As I looked down at Bella's face I found her staring back at me, her chestnut eyes wide and unwavering.

"You overestimate my self control Bella" I said gently as I stroked her bottom lip. She looked so pretty right now, hair knotted, eyes foggy, her lips still swollen from our kiss.

She watched me through heavy eyelids then suddenly blurted out

"Don't leave me here alone."

"Bella I won't leave you" I said exasperated.

If she would just let me explain myself. Let me help her to understand why I'd had to leave and reassure her that I would never leave her side again. And if only I could just get her to stop looking at me with that hurt look in her eyes, I would do anything to take that look away. I hated myself more in this moment than I ever had before. I'd caused her so much pain, how would I ever be able to atone for what I had done?

"Why are you here now?" she asked "You didn't want me"

"Oh Bella, I wanted you more than I wanted to breathe" I started, her line of questioning surprising me.

How could she ever think that I didn't want her? How could she have stood there in the woods on that last day and taken my lies so easily, without any resistance? Couldn't she see how much I loved her then, how much I loved her still?

"I wanted you so much it felt like something had broken inside of me" I said raising my head to look at her.

"I wanted to scream with the pain of losing you, but I couldn't have you. As much as I wanted you I had to let you go" My voice broke as I tried to swallow the lump that had risen in my throat, remembering how it felt to be away from her. Even now just the thought of our separation was too much too bare, the pain of it too raw.

Bella didn't say a word; she just continued to stare at me with that horrible sadness on her face. What if I was too late, I thought suddenly, maybe she didn't want me back in her life?

There was still that pressing Jacob Black issue and Alice had told me repeatedly how much time they spent together, how close they were becoming. What if she actually had true feelings for that…that dog.

Maybe tonight was just to be a goodbye kiss of sorts before she went back to Jacob. Then I considered that maybe she didn't even know what he was.

He was huge I remembered, there was no mistaking what he had become but if she'd never seen him change, never seen him in his true wolf form she might not know.

Would he be able to hide his true self from her? Was that even possible? Surely if she knew what he had become she wouldn't want him. Bella wouldn't want to spend the rest of her life with a smelly dog. Would she?

I would just have to convince her of how dangerous he was and then spend the rest of eternity proving my worth to her so that she never thought about Jacob Black again.

Then without taking my eyes off hers I lowered my open mouth towards her, my senses immediately overwhelmed by her intoxicating fragrance.

Her brown eyes absorbed my face as I moved closer; she looked at me as though I were everything to her. If only I were worthy of that look. As our lips met I felt a shudder pass through her now thin frame and thought triumphantly she does still want me. Then wrapping my arms around her waist I urged her even closer against my chest. Moving one hand up to her nape I twisted my fingers into her long hair, pushing her lips deeper into mine, desperate to feel her.

Her mouth was sweet and warm, just as I'd remembered and when her lips settled beneath mine they were a perfect fit.

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_**Authors note: Sorry, I know it's short but I've almost got the next chapter done, just some rewriting and editing and I'll be posting again shortly. **__**Oh, did anyone get how ironic Edwards's line of thinking is at the end of the chapter? **__**Bella wouldn't want Jake because he is too dangerous and does she even know what he really is? **__**Thanks for reading. **__**J bug**_


	8. Chapter 8

_There are things that I said I would never do_

_There are fears that I cannot believe have come true_

_For my soul is too sick and too little and too late_

_And myself I have grown to weary to hate_

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

The second our lips touched the atmosphere in the room shifted as electricity charged through the air. In that instant the invisible barriers that I'd always placed between us crumbled. I began to nibble at her lips, tugging at them, forcing them to open. Thrusting my tongue into her mouth my hands clenched involuntarily in her hair as I fought to maintain control.

I had never allowed myself to kiss Bella like this before. I had always been so careful, so in control but it now felt as though I had something to prove. I needed to show her that I was really here and force her to admit that she was indeed awake. But most of all I needed to push Jacob Black far from her mind.

With each passing second our kiss grew deeper as the lines I'd drawn to protect her were erased forever.

Jealousy, that's what I was feeling I decided. It was a strange and new emotion for me, I'd never had a reason to be jealous before but at least this explained why I felt the sudden need to claim Bella as my own. I had this all consuming desire to brand her in some way so no man would ever touch her again.

As my tongue slid past her lips and tangled with her own a surge of heat poured over my body and for the first time in my Vampire existence I felt hot.

My own lust seemed to be encouraging Bella. Her hands had travelled beneath my shirt, snaking their way up my chest. Working the buttons open from the inside as she squirmed beneath me. How was it possible I wondered for someone to make me so excited and so scared in the same moment?

I took from her lips; I moved beneath her, I couldn't help myself. Desire was over ruling everything. As she got the last button on my shirt undone I tore it from between us, tossing it to the floor as I pushed hers up to her neck, desperate to feel her skin upon mine.

Our bare chests came together in a wild crush and I had to clench my teeth against the pleasure. I had a sudden vague thought that I had taken things too far, we were almost at the point of no return. The raw burning in my throat was driving me to madness; I couldn't seem to control myself, I couldn't think. A tiny merciless voice in my head called out _just one taste_.

Something seemed to have happened to my self control in the months since we'd been apart, and I no longer appeared to possess any. It was like the very first day in the classroom lab all over again, the day we'd met for the first time. The most intoxicating smell I'd ever known in my eighty years as a vampire, engulfing me, her blood singing to me, drowning out everything else.

I stroked the arch of her back. The feel of her against me tied my stomach in knots, my mouth had gone dry and the buzzing sound in my ears had returned. Bella seemed unable to breathe, she was gasping into my mouth, groaning.

I heard the word "Please" although it didn't seem to make any sense and I couldn't figure out which of us had said it.

I had actually begun to shake with thirst and was just about too far gone to consider anything but my true nature. I had denied myself for so long.

Bella's hands were all over me, and as she brought them between us it took me a moment to realize what she was attempting to do. It was with my last bit of sanity that I stopped her

as she struggled with the button on my jeans. Her fumbling bringing me back to the reality of the situation. I forced myself to stop, freezing in place, instantly breaking our kiss. Grabbing both her hands at the wrists I pulled them over her head and left the sweet warmth of her body.

She didn't move keeping her eyes closed as she tried to catch her breath; unable it seemed to meet my lust filled gaze. I was such a monster. How could I be letting this happen?

I had to be stronger for both of our sakes, however, it was with sudden realization that I understood if she asked me to make love to her tonight… I would.

I had promised myself to deny her nothing; I just hoped she was really aware of what she was doing.

I knew that I should probably go before we both did something we would regret but I couldn't move. Her powerful scent had disabled me. As I lowered myself back down onto the bed, her heart pounded in my ears.

"Bella we can't do this" I groaned in a last ditch effort to preserve her innocence.

"Of course we can" she said "it's only a dream, we can do anything I want."

I didn't answer her for a long time; a million different thoughts were clouding my already foggy brain. I had really hoped to wait until we were married, or at the very least have her be awake.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I finally asked the lust still evident within my voice.

"Yes" she whispered in a breathless rasp, shattering what remained of my self control.

Squinting through partially opened eyes Bella's cheeks flushed, coloring the contours of her pale face. I was sure she'd seen enough in that instant to notice the hungry, yearning on my face. Saving her from any further embarrassment I moved my lips back to hers.

As my tongue traced the shape of her lips I whispered into her mouth "Bella your killing me" and then I tried to warn her "I can't be sure if I can control myself much longer"

"Don't stop" her lips breathed back into me, the words somehow calling forth the beast within. _Just a taste _it called out again, urging me to quench my burning thirst.

Inadvertently my thumb had found the pulse point just beneath her ear. Stroking the velvet flesh I ran my mouth across the line of her jaw, her cheek, kissing my way onto her neck.

As she tilted her head to the side I was nearly undone.

For a second Carlisle's face flashed into my mind, his kind eyes judging me, managing to look both compassionate and disapproving at the same time. He had always thought that I was better than I was.

As I stared at the pulsing beat beneath Bella's ear everything else in the world faded away. My whole body throbbed in time with that pulse. Somehow I had always known that she would ruin me I just hadn't expected to love her.

Unable to resist a moment longer I brushed my lips against the bright purple vein where the pulse beat the strongest and that was my undoing. My vision immediately sharpened, my stomach tightened and the inhuman voice in my head took over. _Take her _urged the part of me that wasn't human, _she is yours, brand her, claim her as your own._

Cupping Bella's face in my hands I gently turned her head to the side and positioned my mouth over the vein. Hesitating for a moment I licked the hot skin of her neck, it was as though I had touched my lips to an open flame and it sealed my fate. _Just a taste _the voice pleaded with me, _you won't harm her._

"I'm sorry" I growled into her ear then I sank my teeth into the soft flesh of her neck.

The fight was over.

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**Authors note: Whew , we finally got Edward's shirt off. Did everyone go to their happy place with this chapter? I know I did. ****Thanks to all who have added me to their favourites/alerts and especially for reviewing, it means a lot to hear form you and it's what keeps me going. ****A special shout out to Pricel and her sock monster, nice talking to you …J bug**

**The song lyrics are by Nine Inch Nails- The line begins to blur**


	9. Chapter 9

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways_

_Yeah ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

**_CHAPTER NINE_**

"I'm sorry" I growled into her ear, and then I sank my teeth into the soft flesh of her neck.

In that instant it felt as though I were entering heaven and touching the fires of hell at the same time.

What a combination, starving and sexually frustrated, we didn't have a chance. As soon as I'd uttered the words "I'm sorry" I knew the battle was over. Any intentions I'd had of making love to Bella were gone, the beast in me taking over completely, I simply had to taste her. I had however been able to make one last compromise with the voice within. Vowing that I would take only one pull from her vein, just one delicious taste. I would not harm her I promised myself.

I tried to stop myself as soon as I started but the second the sweet saltiness of her blood permeated my mouth all rational thought had stopped. And I fed.

Cradling Bella in my arms I sat up, raising her still body with me. Placing one arm into the small of her back I positioned the other behind her neck, supporting her loose head as I continued to drink. The taste of her was like a drug to my deprived body. _You're not hurting her, you're loving her_ the voice in my mind told me soothingly.

The first pull of warm blood saturated anything good in me and as I pulled hard on the vein Bella cried out, arching beneath me, urging me deeper into her neck. This was easily the most erotic thing that I'd ever experienced. Bella writhing beneath me as I drew her blood into my body, we were joined now, we were one.

Swallowing back the venom that flooded my mouth I recalled how I had been able to suck the poison out of Bella's arm on that horrible day in Phoenix. I had been able to stop then, I hadn't killed her, I had saved her from James. I could do it again I told myself, I could quench my thirst and stop the madness. I would not harm her.

As her blood entered my starved body I was immediately filled with a strength that I couldn't have even imagined existed. I felt powerful beyond belief, invincible. The predator within me finally satisfied grew quiet.

Somewhere in the distance recess of my mind I heard Carlisle's calm voice guiding me, full of love and patience. _You can stop this Edward_, he said _this is not who you are_.

Reality came back to me in waves as the bloodlust receded and my immediate hunger was quenched. Fighting every instinct I forced myself to release Bella's throat. Then letting out a roar I flew backwards away from her, smashing into the dresser on the far side of the attached mirror shook precariously and pocket books hit the floor as I landed in a crouch, my fingers instinctively tore into the carpet, twisting themselves amongst the coarse fibres.

As I looked across the room Bella was laying on her side, her eyes closed, her skin a deathly shade of white, a thin line of blood oozing from the puncture wounds in her neck. Guilt washed over me, but guilt was not a strong enough word for the remorse that I felt. What had I done? Oh lord, WHAT HAD I DONE?

The bottom of my stomach fell out, my world crumbled, as my greatest fears were realized. I was gripped by such terror and self hatred that if I'd had a gun in that moment or been able to kill myself at all I would have... gladly.

Bella was so still that I couldn't tell if she was breathing or not, her chest didn't seem to be moving. I've killed her I thought, I've killed her.

I was back beside her in an instant, placing my ear alongside her mouth I listened for breath, straining my ears for the sound of a heartbeat.

"Wake up Bella, wake up, see me" I pleaded.

She was at least breathing, I realized thankfully but her heart beat was slow, her pulse thready. I might still have killed her I thought she may not wake up from this. The panic was hitting me again curling its fingers over my shoulders, paralyzing me.

"Oh god I'm so sorry, Please…wake up" I begged. "Open your eyes."

By allowing myself one weak moment I had destroyed any hopes of a reconciliation forever. Because even if she did open her eyes how would I ever be able to look at her again? There was no hope that we could be together in any capacity now. She would never be able to forgive me and I had even less chance of forgiving myself.

I realized that this then had to be goodbye. I was weak and far too dangerous to be around her.

I would have to spend the rest of my days alone and I knew that this time it would be even harder than it had been before. Now I hated myself and there was no longer any reason to carry on. She would be better off with that 'dog' Jacob then a vicious beast like me I relented.

How on earth was I going to face my family after this? Alice and my brothers might understand but from this point on they would always look at me with a kind of shame. And Rosalie, well she had warned me about this from the beginning. I could almost hear the venom in her knowing voice; she would not be as sympathetic. Carlisle would of course forgive me and Esme would too... in time but I would never be able to look them in the eye again. I wished I were blind so I wouldn't have to see that disappointment on their faces.

"I love you now and I loved you then" I whispered as I knelt down beside her. Resolved to the fact that our relationship were over.

"My god what have I done?"

Kneeling beside the bed I took her cold pale hand into my own and lowered my head onto my chest. I begged, and then I prayed. I prayed to a god that I knew wouldn't hear me but I hoped might just hear Bella.

I stayed with her all night making sure she was breathing; I stayed, trading myself for her soul over and over again, pleading, and hating myself. I stayed until the stars left the sky and the first rays of daylight appeared on the horizon, imploring, apologizing. I stayed when the birds began to sing, grovelling on my knees. I stayed until Charlie began to move around downstairs and still I remained, desperate, full of regret. I stayed until at long last Bella moved, her brown eyes beginning to flicker and open. Then silently I slipped out into the cool grey of the early morning dawn. Unable to let her see my face, the face of a monster.

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**Authors notes**:

_**This was a very dark chapter, poor Edward, so tortured, so much fun to write. **__**In case anyone was confused Edward hears two voices in his head during this chapter. **__**One is the evil voice, **__**(the predator within him) and the other is the voice of good (Carlisle's) It's the ultimate battle of good and evil taking place within Edwards head. **__**He of course fails to follow either one.**_

_**Coming in the next chapter; Edward receives a phone call and has a confrontation.**_

_**Song Lyrics: It was only a matter of time before Blue October made it onto my 'playlist' .**_

_**Thanks for reading, J bug**_

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	10. Chapter 10

_I got half a mind to scream out loud_

_I got half a mind to die_

_So I won't ever have to lose you girl_

_Won't ever have to say goodbye_

_I won't ever have to lie_

_Won't ever have to say goodbye_

**CHAPTER TEN **

As soon as I was certain that Bella was going to live I slipped out of her bedroom and into the grey of the early morning. Barely aware of what I was doing I jogged down to the end of her street, glanced once at my parked Volvo and took off into the forest. I moved fast through the still darkened woods, the dense early morning light hadn't yet penetrated through the thick forest canopy and a light mist hung over the moss covered ground filtering through and over the ferns as I ran.

I had no particular direction in mind and barely looked at where I was going; I just crashed through anything that got in my way. I ran for what seemed like hours trying to escape the images that continued to flood my mind. Bella reaching for me, calling me to her bed, the taste of her soft lips on mine, the feel of her body moving beneath me, Bella lying on her side barely breathing, bleeding from a wound that I had inflicted. It wouldn't matter how far I ran I realized I would never be able to escape those images in my mind.

Every time I tried to slow down or turn around and go back guilt and remorse would overtake me and I would have to start running again as fast as my legs would carry me. Lunging from tree to tree, throwing myself over cliffs. I was unable to hurt myself which was my subconscious goal and unable to outrun myself.

Jumping over a stream I came across the buck almost by accident. I was moving so fast that he was just suddenly there on the bluff in front of me, looking at me from underneath his heavy rack of antlers. I wouldn't have seen him at all if he hadn't moved, hadn't tried to get away. I reacted instinctively the scent of the prey and its fear and sudden flight causing me to give chase but it wasn't really a chase and definitely not a hunt. I had the magnificent creature down in about five seconds. The buck twitched in my hands, its large, scared and sad eyes beseeching as I tore viciously into its neck. It wasn't a clean kill. I was still too filled with disgust and rage to be graceful in any way and I tore the poor creature apart, gorging myself on its sweet musky blood, desperate to wash Bella out of my mouth.

I drained him dry, tearing into its throat, lacerating him. When I was done I picked up the huge body and placed him gently on a bed of pine needles then without looking back I tore off into the forest again.

I didn't stop running until I neared the rolling farmlands on the Canadian Border. The shelter of the forest canopy had slowly petered out to reveal main roads and dairy farms. I was no longer sheltered from the day's rare Washington sunshine and I couldn't risk going any further. Standing partially hidden in the shadows of a giant grain silo I watched the line of cars moving towards the Peach Arch border crossing. I realized that I had subconsciously run towards my family in Vancouver and I wasn't ready to speak to them yet. I still needed to figure out what I was going to do without any outside influence. Turning around I started back towards Forks, I still didn't know what I was going to do when I got there but I felt obliged to see Bella one last time, to make sure she was really okay. As I entered the shelter of the forest again I slowed my pace, the grief and guilt had abated just enough that I was now able to think clearly. This though only seemed to pose more questions. What could I possibly say to her? And how would I ever be able let her go again?

Hours later I came out of the woods and after a quick check of Bella's house to see if Charlie was still home I got into my Volvo, pulled the sun visors down and slumped low into the front seat. The sun had now come out in earnest and I'd become quite the display of sparkling light. Luckily I hadn't run into anyone and I was thankful for the Volvo's tinted windows.

As I reached for a CD I noticed my dirty, blood spattered hands then glancing in the rear-view mirror I took in my appearance. I was a mess, my t-shirt was torn and crumpled, my jeans were wet and I was covered in blood from the buck and mud and grime from my rage through the forest. I admittedly looked a little scary. Running my fingers through the front of my tangled hair I decided that my outside now matched my inside.

Pushing the CD tray closed the first notes from the piano concerto drifted out of the back speakers. Rachmaninoff might not be the trendiest music for two thousand and nine but it suited my mood perfectly. As the concerto rose in tempo I closed my eyes and let the music drift over me. I still had absolutely no idea what to do.

I felt compelled to stay in Forks and try to talk to Bella, apologize and make sure that she was completely alright but Charlie was still at the house and I couldn't very well just show up at the front door after all this time, especially looking like I did right now He'd probably arrest me. I also couldn't sit here in my car all day either someone would eventually phone Charlie in a police capacity and then he would arrest me for loitering. I thought about calling Bella but I really needed to be able to look into her eyes as I begged forgiveness and vowed never to bother her again. Maybe I would be able to get her to meet me here on the edge of the forest but then I remembered that this was where I had ended us the first time and that would be just too painfully ironic.

Picking up the cell phone from the center consol I flicked it open. Six missed calls, one guess who they're from I asked myself. Alice's cell number showed after each course it was. She had started calling at six am and again every hour after that. I couldn't bare to listen to her messages and was tempted to toss the cell out the window but I would have to deal with her eventually.

In my previous state I had completely forgotten about Alice. She would by now have known exactly what had happened, she would have seen it all, the whole gruesome affair. I actually felt kind of sorry for her not knowing exactly which parts of my night she would have seen in her visions. She was probably really worried, but I just wasn't ready to speak to her yet. I had to talk to Bella first, I had to put things right. Knowing Alice the way I did though unless she had seen me heading towards Canada she would be on her way here right now. Driving something really fast and ridiculously expensive, cell phone in hand as she coordinated with the rest of my family. I had to hurry.

Opening my eyes I sat up, and then cranked the volume on the stereo. Luckily I'd been shopping in LAX airport for something suitable to wear to Carlisle and Esme's anniversary party. The white dress shirt I'd purchased would hide most of the dirt and blood until I could clean up properly. I ran my fingers through my hair again and then tried to rub the worst of the dried mud off my pants. I had just gotten the last button on my shirt done up and was trying to tuck it into my jeans when the phone rang. I hesitated before picking it up, looking at the number. Alice, of course it was...

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_**Sorry for the delay, I hope you enjoyed chapter ten, let me know, J bug**_


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's notes: We finally made it to 100 reviews! Thanks everybody I appriciate the imput. ****TwilightloverAmee- I couldn't respond but yes, I will be doing what you asked. **

_I call up my sister and tell her don't say a word_

_You know where I am, I'll wait at the curb_

_Just like an addiction, well I tried to give you up_

_**CHAPTER ELEVEN **_

_When we left Edward last he was parked at the far end of Bella's street. _

_I had just gotten the last button of my shirt done up and was trying to tuck it into my jeans when the phone rang. I hesitated before picking it up, looking at the number. Alice, of course it was…_

"_Alice"_

"_Edward, are you alright?"_

"_Yes" I replied after some hesitation. How could she still be concerned with my well being after what I'd done? She was just going to make me feel worse and I realized that this would have to be a short conversation._

"_Where are you?" she asked "you're not still in Forks?" then before I could answer she continued "Edward you have to get out of there."_

"_I can't leave her yet Alice, I have to apologize first, and I have to make sure she's really okay."_

"_Oh Bella's alive then is she? Rosalie was taking bets; I would have won though I knew you couldn't kill her." She said smugly._

"_I'm hanging up now." _

"_No wait… Edward I need to talk to you" she paused "I need to apologize. Can you at least turn down the Rachmaninoff so I can hear you properly? I don't know how you can listen to that stuff anyway it's so depressing. Don't you own any music from this century?"_

"_It was either this or Nine Inch Nails" I stated, as a slight smile came to my lips._

"_Oh Edward what are we going to do with you?"_

_Suddenly I felt like crying, sympathy was not what I needed right now. "Alice I've got to go"_

"_No, no just listen for a second would you? I wanted to apologize for forcing you into coming back to Forks and seeing Bella again. I just never saw things turning out this way._

"_No one forced me here Alice"_

"_Well no but you had to have known that the anniversary party was a ruse."_

"_Yes Of course I did"_

"_It's just that you were both so miserable and I thought if I could somehow get you and Bella back together we could all be happy again. The family misses you." _

"_I was looking for a reason to come home too you know" I said turning the piano concerto down "So really Alice you did me a favour. Besides I discovered that I'm useless at tracking. I don't think Victoria was even in South America"_

"_Well anyways I'm sorry. I promise I won't ever interfere again. Until you need me to of course" she added quickly. "I just have one more question for you" _

_For a moment there was silence over the phone before Alice asked the question that I'd been dreading._

"_Is Bella alright?"_

"_Yes… Well at least she was when I left her a few hours ago" I said swallowing the rising lump in my throat, fear was gripping me again; I had to get back to her._

"_How was the Canadian border Edward? Did you forget your passport or something? And how is Bella still alive? How is it that she's not going through the change right now? I see her sleeping peacefully, how is that possible?"_

_Alice was never able to ask just one question at a time, her hyperactive brain always jumping one step ahead of her mouth. Reaching out I turned the stereo back up._

"_How were you able to stop? What was it like to have human blood again? Do you think you'll be able to go back to being a vegetarian? Is Bella mad at you?"_

_Alice kept on with her immeasurable line of questioning eventually filling me in on what she had seen in her visions. Then when she finally stopped talking I explained everything, unburdening myself. I told her what I 'd seen in the meadow and explained why Bella kept disappearing in her previous visions, I told her what Jacob had become, and how I had only meant to check on Bella, to make sure that the wolf hadn't taken a bite out of her. _

_I then explained how everything had just gotten out of control. I stupidly hadn't hunted while I'd been away, I'd been too preoccupied with finding Victoria and the temptation once I'd gotten close to Bella again had been more than I could handle. Then when she asked, I told her how I'd swallowed my own venom just as I had with James and had therefore__been able to taste her blood without really harming her; yes it had been hard to stop. I didn't mention that Bella thought I was part of her dream and we didn't talk about how close we had come to making love. Some things are private after all. _

_I exhaled deeply as I finished talking, feeling like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders, at least Alice understood._

"_What are you going to do now Edward? You have to leave her you can't just keep, well for lack of a better word, keep feeding off of her"_

"_Damn it Alice, do you honestly think I would do that?"_

"_No of course not but well come to think of it, it would solve all your problems" she giggled. _

"_You're impossible. I sighed "No I am not going to touch Bella again Alright?" _

"_I just need to see her one last time with my own eyes, make sure she's unharmed, apologize and then I will leave her alone forever. Satisfied?" _

"_What's the point in apologizing if you're just going to disappear again anyway. "She asked "You should just leave well enough alone and get out of there. Besides Bella's fine now." _

"_No" I stated firmly "I have to see her." _

"_Well whatever you're going to do you had better do it fast because Carlisle's on his way there." She paused "It seems I might have mentioned something this morning about you accidentally biting Bella"_

"_That's just great Alice, How mad is he?"_

"_He's not mad" She replied "he's coming to help you."_

"_How long do I have?"_

_"He left about half an hour ago in the BMW so you've got a while yet. I'm sorry Edward I just couldn't see earlier if Bella was alive or not."_

_Just then I heard a car door slam and a vehicle pulling out onto the street before heading off in the opposite direction. It sounded just about far enough away that I thought it might be someone leaving Bella's house. What if I've missed her? I assumed, starting to panic. What if she's on her way to La Push right now to see that dog? I wouldn't be able to follow her there. I had to stop her._

_"Edward, Edward are you even listening to me?" Alice screeched into the phone._

_"Alice do me a favour would you? Phone Carlisle and tell him not to come here, tell him we're both fine, tell him to turn around and I'll meet him as soon as I can back in Vancouver. You owe me this much. Then before she could say anything back to me I snapped the cell phone shut and threw it onto the dash. Then taking an unnecessary deep breath I twisted the keys in the ignition, spun the car around and put it into drive._

_In the twenty seconds it took me to reach Bella's house I realized that this would be the last time I ever saw her beautiful face, the last time I ever breathed in her intoxicating scent, or looked into her exquisite brown eyes. How could I possibly leave her again? I wondered. I now knew the pain of a life without her and I didn't think I could cope with that life anymore. Without Bella I couldn't exist._

_I arrived in front of the house just in time to see the tail lights from Charlie's police cruiser disappearing in the opposite direction. Her red truck remained parked in the driveway. Which hopefully meant that Bella was still home and Charlie was gone._

_I stopped in the exact spot where I used to park those long months before when I drove Bella to school, or visited after dinner. It was the perfect place to see her bedroom window from the street I remembered only today It felt strange, voyeuristic. Stepping out of the car I moved around towards the house and hesitated, leaning up against the passenger side of my Volvo. I really didn't want to lose her again but what could I possibly say to make things right? What I had done was unforgivable. There was no way she would take me back now, even if I begged. And I didn't deserve her, I deserved to be alone._

_This was it then I resolved, willing my legs to move forward towards the front door. I'll just make sure she's healthy, warn her to stay away from Jacob and be on my way. I seemed unable get my legs to move though and as I looked up into the panes of her bedroom window I was filled with dread. This had to be goodbye. I would have to let her go, and let her go for real this time too. I would never be able to come back here and I only had myself to blame._

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**_Next time; the confrontation. I'm thinking of going back to Bella's POV for this. Let me know what you think and thanks for reading, J bug_**


	12. Chapter 12

_**Authors note; I have returned to Bella's POV as many of you thought that it was about time we heard her voice again. Thanks for all of your responses to that question and also the many fantastic reviews. I have chapter 13 almost ready to go and an outline for the rest of this story including the ending which may just take us back to Italy. **__**So without further delay, Chapter 12. Enjoy. J bug**_

_Would you mind if I pretended we were somewhere else _

_Doing something we wanted to_

_Cause all this living makes me wanna do_

_Is die because I can't live with you_

_And you don't even care_

_I'm weak in the knees for you _

_But I'll stand if you want me to _

_My legs are strong and I move on_

_But honey I'm weak in the knees for you. _

**CHAPTER TWELVE **

As I watched the taillights of Charlie's cruiser disappear down the street I heard another vehicle approaching fast from the opposite direction. I didn't even turn my head to look as it stopped in front of my house. I didn't have to look; the sound of the Volvo's engine was embedded in my brain. I just closed my eyes and smiled. I could picture him perfectly, leaning up against the silver exterior. Looking like some kind of male model as he gazed up at me through the panes of my bedroom window. Edward was back. I opened my eyes and he smiled, his crimson eyes staring back at me.

I gave a small wave then gestured that I would come downstairs. Turning from the window I ran across the bedroom and took the stairs two at a time. However as I reached the front door I hesitated, listening to my heart pounding, my breathe coming fast. Reaching for the doorknob with a shaky hand I realized I was nervous. I didn't know what to say to him, where to begin and I didn't really want to know why he was here or for how long. There was so much I wanted to say and at the same time nothing I wanted to say because I didn't want this moment to ever end. He was here waiting for me on my front porch. And that was all that mattered. The longer I took to open this door, the longer he would stay. I could prolong this anticipation and pretend everything was normal once again.

When I managed to get the door open he was standing on the front step gleaming slightly in today's rare Washington sunshine. I think I might have gasped. He was so beautiful that it hurt me just to look at him and words were no longer possible. Edward stared at me and because I could no longer speak I just stared back at him.

"Hello Bella" he said at last.

"Edward" I managed. We continued to stare at each other as if last night hadn't really happened.

"Do you want to come in?" I said standing aside.

"No I better not."

"Oh" I struggled to get out as my chest began to hurt. I realized with increasing anxiety that he wasn't planning on staying.

For another endless moment we just stared at each other. He was close enough that I could have reached out and touched him instead we just stood there awkwardly like we didn't know each other at all. Sneaking glances out of the corners of our eyes and looking awkwardly at our feet. It was as if we were strangers again. Maybe last night had been a dream after all. It was hard it imagine right now that we'd ever been that close.

In the increasingly heavy silence I was beginning to sweat. Charlie had been right. It was almost seventy degrees today and I was too warm. As I pulled the heavy sweater away from my neck, desperately trying to get some air Edward took a step backwards and grimaced, closing his eyes for a second. I had forgotten all about my neck. Of course he would be blaming himself. But it wasn't that bad in fact I had forgotten all about it

"When did you get back?" I asked trying to change the direction of his thoughts.

"Yesterday"

"How long are you planning on staying?"

"I didn't plan on coming back" he said offering nothing else.

"How's your family" I tried again, grasping for some sort of answer, some form of conversation "How's Alice?"

"Everyone is quite well" He paused as if deciding what he could tell me "I'm on my way to Carlisle and Esme's anniversary party this afternoon I just wanted to check on you before, before I "

"Where's the party" I said interrupting him from saying what I didn't want to hear. I also desperately wanted to know how close his family was. I'd been imagining where they might have been these past months and it had been driving me crazy. Edward didn't answer my question. His face took on a pained expression then he turned away, staring across the street. "How's Charlie?" he asked absently as he tried to change the subject.

I looked at the back of his broad shoulders for a second and then it hit me "You're not staying" I whispered. I was so stupid how could I possibly have thought… All of a sudden my head started to spin dizzily and as I leaned back against the door frame to stop it I realized that he had only come here today to say goodbye to me. Not to get back together or take me away with him. Last night apparently had meant nothing. As he turned around again to face me my legs no longer seemed able to hold me upright and I noticed a ringing in my ears.

"No, I've actually got to get going" he paused, looking into my eyes "Bella we both know I can't stay"

Black spots entered my line of vision as I started to slide down the door and I realized with horror that I was fainting. He caught me just as my knees buckled and before my head hit the ground.

"Bella are you alright? Can you hear me?" It sounded like Edward was in a tunnel his voice far away and echoing . I managed to open my eyes for a second but the world was spinning wildly and my stomach was doing flip flops. So I closed them again as I struggled to remain conscious.

"Lets get you inside" he said cradling me in his arms as he lifted me off the porch.

I felt his strong arms go around me and I circled my arms around his neck. Pressing my cheek against the white of his shirt. I let him carry me into my fathers house.

"Last night really happened didn't it" I mumbled into his chest, my dry cotton filled mouth barely able to form the words.

"Yes" he said in a low voice as his eyes found mine.

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Thanks for reading. It feels good to be writing Bella's POV again. Let me know what you think and I promise chapter 13 will be up soon. J bug

Oh yeah, the song lyrics are from Serena Ryder- Weak in the knees.


	13. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

_I told you once you were the one_

_You know that I'd die for you_

_Although it hurts to see you go _

_Oh this time you should know_

_I won't try to stop you_

I felt his strong arms go around me and I circled my arms around his neck. Pressing my cheek against the white of his shirt. I let him carry me into my father's house. "Last night really happened didn't it" I mumbled into his chest, my dry cotton filled mouth barely able to form the words.

"Yes" he said in a low voice as his eyes found mine. The pain on his face was undeniable and he quickly looked away.

Kicking the door shut with his foot Edward carried me inside. I always forgot how strong he was and marvelled even now at how he carried me as if I weighed no more than a book.

The irony of this situation wasn't lost on me either as I remembered the last time I had fainted around him. And how he had carried me then too, away from Mike and the blood testing at school. He had stayed with me in the nurse's office, concerned and teasing before forcibly driving me home. I could still feel the humid dampness within his car as he drove. My squeaky boots and wet hair, the sound of the rain beating against the Volvo's windows as Clair de Lune played on the stereo. That had in many ways been the beginning of us, the beginning of our relationship. How ironic that I should feint today at the end of our relationship, we really had come full circle. During that short drive he had started asking me questions, wanting to know everything about me and after that day he had never stopped.

"Bella can you hear me?" He was kneeling beside me now, an anguished look on his face. At some point he had placed me on the couch in my living room. As I opened my eyes the walls of the room continued to spin and I had to clench my teeth against the nausea.

"There you are, you're coming back to me" he whispered in a tender voice placing his right hand on my clammy forehead, holding it there. The cool of his skin felt wonderful and I closed my eyes, revelling in another stolen moment that I would cherish after he left.

"Can I get you a glass of water?" he offered as he left my side and made his way into the kitchen. "You know in my time girls used to feint regularly, it was almost commonplace"

I could hear the tap running as I struggled to sit up, confused. Why was he leaving me if he so obviously still cared about me?

Handing me the glass I took a sip. Edward sat across from me in Charlie's favourite chair. His yellowish brown eyes looked tortured and he kept them averted as he picked a pine needle off his shirt and brushed dried mud from his jeans He'd obviously been hunting since leaving me last night. After an endless time he looked directly at me and clearing his throat began what I could only assume would be goodbye. I wanted to cover my ears and tie him to Charlie's chair.

"I'm sorry Bella" he began "Sorry for everything."

"You're still going to leave though aren't you?"

"Yes" he sighed "I obviously can't trust myself not to harm you."

"I don't want you to go" I blurted out as I thought of my life without him. My bottom lip had started to tremble as I fought back tears. "I miss you." I was speaking what might just have been the understatement of the year but I couldn't very well tell him the truth. That I could barely function without him.

"I miss you more than you will ever know Bella" he said softly. "But last night has just proved what I've said all along, I am a danger to you and I'll never fully be in control when I'm around you. We were crazy to think otherwise. You deserve so much more than me" he concluded.

He looked so utterly sad and alone in that moment of confession that I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him like a little boy. If he felt half as much pain as I did when we were apart why was he leaving?

"But if you can drink from me and not hurt me or change me couldn't you stay?" I questioned "I wouldn't mind if you had to… I don't know, feed from me occasionally."

Edwards's mouth opened as he absorbed what I had just offered him, and then his face changed, a look of disgust crossing over his features.

"Do you really think so little of yourself Bella?" He inquired in stunned amazement. "Would you really be willing to gamble with your life so freely just to be with me?" His hands were clenching the sides of the chair as he spoke, his face twisting. "What happened last night can never happen again" he said with conviction. "Because I can't be certain that I would be able to stop myself next time. Eventually Bella I would kill you" he hissed.

I was crying in earnest now, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. "Then change me Edward" I sobbed.

"I won't do that" he answered coldly.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. After everything that had happened between us last night he was simply going to apologize to me and leave. "So I guess that's it then Edward" I said sarcastically. "Thanks for stopping by and clearing everything up" A strange anger was starting to build within me. I was hurt and embarrassed and it was obvious that he had made up his mind. "I would just like to know one thing before you go. Why are you really here?"

He didn't answer me right away "I don't know" he finally said "I didn't mean to come here; I know I shouldn't be around you but…"

"You didn't have a problem being around me last night" I snapped. Edward grimaced as my angry words cut into him.

"That should never have happened" he spat out. Anger creeping into his voice too. "I can't believe what I did to you. I had thought I was stronger, that I had more self control but I was wrong, Are you sure you're okay?" he asked concerned once more. He made a move like he was going to get up and come towards me and then thought better of it, leaning back in the chair he ran a hand through his tousled hair as his conflicted emotions silenced him. His multiple personality disorder was starting to show I decided.

"Yes, I'm fine, but how am I fine Edward?" I spat out "Why am I not writhing in pain as I go through the change, why didn't you change me? Why did you come back here at all if you don't want me?" I was beginning to shake with frustration.

"I… I" he stammered "I got carried away. I wanted to make love to you but I was so thirsty I couldn't stop myself. I'm sorry Bella" He said turning his head away from me. "I'm a monster."

"Just answer my question. Why did you come back here?"

"I didn't intend to."

"You keep saying that but your not really answering me. What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry Bella" was his only answer.

Something inside me broke in that instant. As I watched him sitting there in Charlie's chair. Refusing to answer me, refusing to even look at me while he fidgeted and squirmed, anxious to get this over with so he could go. All the pain that I had ever felt over him these last few months, all the grief and depression turned into rage. How dare he, I seethed, embracing the rage that was filling me. How dare he let me fall in love with him and show me a world that I could only imagine and then leave me. And how dare he come back here with no explanation, almost make love to me, bite my neck and then leave again. Was I insane? Why was I putting up with this crap? He was right, I did deserve better and I knew exactly who was better for me too. Jacob. I now knew that I needed to be as far away from Edward as possible. He was bad for me in every sense of the word.

"You know what Edward I'm getting really tired of your self loathing pity party." I said slowly, trying to control my anger "It's not all about you, you know."

Surprise flashed across his face as he noticed the change in me. Then he nodded. "Yes, it would be better if you hated me."

"I do hate you" I snarled. My face felt contorted and ugly but my tears had finally stopped falling.

Edwards head dropped onto his chest, his shoulders hunched as if someone had punched him in the stomach "As much as you hate me now" he said remotely "You should know that it pales in caparison to how much I detest myself."

"Stop saying that" I shrieked "It's always poor me, with you. Isn't it. Oh I'm such a monster. Grow up Edward. If you could just stop hating yourself for one minute you'd see that you actually have it quite good. What with your eternal youth and superhuman strength, plus you have a loving and fantastic family. Suck it up pretty boy, we should all be so lucky." My sarcastic tone mocking him.

Edward never once looked at me. He just sat completely still, his head tilted to his chest as he took in my outburst. Listening to me scream the worst things I could think of. I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me. When I'd finally stopped yelling I realized that I was standing and had been pacing up and down the length of the couch the entire time. I sat down again feeling dizzy and deflated. What in gods name had I just done?

Edward remained seated for another minute then he gracefully stood up from the chair and walked towards the door. He paused before he opened it, but didn't turn around "Before I go Bella I need to warn you. Be careful around Jacob Black he's not who he seems to be."

I stood up again, crossing my arms across my chest. How did he even know I'd been spending time with Jacob? I thought "He's my friend and I trust him" I said proudly. "He wouldn't ever hurt me or use me and then abandon me" I added.

Edwards shoulders tensed then he said quietly "Just don't make him angry."

"Goodbye Edward" I said bitterly. "Say hi to Alice for me"

He didn't turn around or close the door as he moved through it. He just walked away from me forever. I got a glimpse of him getting into his car as I closed the open door. Then I heard the Volvo peel away, the tires angry and screeching on the pavement. As I turned and went to go upstairs I heard his voice. It was loud and clear as though he were still in the room, standing right beside me "_I love you Bella, always know this_" he whispered into my ear and then he was gone.

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**Authors note: _Wow, this was fun to write. Let me know what you think. I personally think it was about time Bella let him have it._**

**Coming next; _Bella revisits the meadow and encounters Laurent and a pack of wolves. As we continue directly along Stephanie Meyer's version of New Moon. Of course I may change things a bit. _**

**_J_**_ **bug**_


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